The Golden Cutlass Awards
by teapirategirl
Summary: It's basically what would happen if there was a Pirates Award. Who would win best pirate? Who would go with who? Which coupling would win best couple? Hints of JE and a little WE too.
1. The black carpet

**A/N: Hi everyone! This is my first try at anything not seriouse so be nice.**

**It's just a bit of silliness really. You're not even supposed to like it but do comment on it.**

**It's basically what would happen if there was ever a "Pirates Award"!! So enjoy the madness and randomness and don't kill me if ye don't like it. I'm not sure if I will continue this...this part is the black carpet and the next is supposed to be the ceremony but I dunno if I'll write it...**

**Here's your dictionary to understand this fic:**

**Red carpet Black carpet**

**Best ship Best picture**

**Best male captainBest actor Best female captain Best actress and so on...**

**I don't own POTC or any of the brands I've included so don't sue me...BTW this wasn't meant as an offence to anyone.**

* * *

The song "SexyBack" plays as the sunlight flashes brightly against a young girl's hair as she moves her head sending her hair flying around. Her hair is a light shiny blond color, her skin is fair but not pale, her complexion is flawless. She has blue eyes that look as if they're a bit green as the sun touches them. Her lips are rosy and plump and she is gorgeouse in every way. She is thin but she has curves in all the right places and she's tall but not too tall. She's perfect and flawless but...she has a small tattoo of a dragon on her arm. Her face is so sugary sweet that no one who looks at her can help but fall in love with her.

She's wearing a sexy yet elegant silk blue gown and and what's that?! _Beside_ her is yet another young girl who looks just as beautiful and yet different.

She is so exotic she puts Ashwaria Rai to shame. Her skin is olive colored and so flawless that is glows in the sun (like, better than J.Lo's skin) and she is curvy yet toned and fit. She's just a bit taller than the first girl. She has dark (almost black but with natural highlights) shiny hair that looks like a sunsilk shampoo commercial as she shakes her head. She has lips like Angelina Jolie's and her hazel eyes sparkle with mischeif. She wears a little black dress that shows her super model legs and just the right amount of diamonds. She has a sexy scar on her shoulder.

Music stops and they stop shaking their heads and beautiful bodies.

The blond holds up a microphone and flashes her pearly whites...you must wear your sunglasses when you look at her teeth. The brunette too holds up a mic and smiles a sexy naughty smile, showing her white teeth.

"Hi!! I'm Mary." the blond says in her deep sweet soft voice.

"And I'm Sue." the brunette says in a sexy husky voice.

"Together we are MarySue and we welcome you to the 63rd annual Golden Cutlass awards." they both chirp together cheerfully.

"Where the best..."

"And worst!"

"Of the pirating business are decided..."

"By the Academy of Motion Pirating and Ships."

"Stay tuned to see who goes home with a Golden Cutlass tonight."

They both smile again.

"Oh look!" Mary says.

"I think the pirates are here to walk the black carpet."

They step aside revealing a black carpet and Norrington is the first to arrive. He's just stepping out of his carriage.

Mary is alone on the screen now. "Oh! It's Admiral James Norrington and _oh my gawwwwd!_ His date is Anamria. What an unlikely match. Who would've though?! Sue can you ask her what she's wearing?"

Anamria is in her pirate clothes with a few rock 'n role touches as she holds on to Norrington's arm. Sue is beside her in seconds.

"Ana is that a Boss creation you're wearing?!"

"Why yes! It's Cutlass Throat Boss. Thank you for noticing."

"You look extremely piraty tonight and you're also nominated for best female pirate in a supporting role. James! You're nominated for a 'best wig award' I see no competitions there. Have a plunderin' night...both of you." Sue says."Back to you Mary!"

"Thank you Sue. Here is the pirating worlds most famous couple...the golden couple. Captain William Turner and his lovely wife Captain Elizabeth Swann Turner. They are without doubt dominating the black carpet and she looks absolutely pillagin'."

Elizabeth is wearing the black dress she was wearing on the beach and she's hanging on Will's arm.

Sue is there in the blink of an eye (don't ask me how she does it...she just does) to get the report.

"Mrs. Turner you're looking ravishing. What are you wearing?"

"It's a D&G dress."

"Oh yes! I thought it looked like a Dollie belles and Gutts number! And you're nominated for best female pirate in a captaining role."

Elizabeth smiles. "Yes! And Will's nominated for best male pirate in a captaining role."

Sue smiles. "Of course! And do you think you'll win?"

Will tries to be diplomatic. "I'm just honored to be nominated! A few years ago I was just a blacksmith and now here I am."

"Yes here you are indeed. One of the most desired Captains in the caribbean...tough luck wenches cause this pirate's taken. Good luck to both of you. Back to you Mary."

Camera turns to Mary again. "Well Sue! We're getting lots of pirates now. Cotton and his parrot arrived and so did Barbossa and Jack the monkey. Now, Barbossa is nominated both for best male pirate in a captaining role and best villain even though he's hardly a villain anymore. And I'm afraid the biggest star of them all hasn't arrived yet."

Camera turns to Sue. "Yes indeed. Captain Jack Sparrow is nowhere to be seen! Of course he's famous for being 'fashionably late'. Last year he arrived half an hour after the ceremony started at the very moment they announced that Blackbeard had won the Golden Cutlass instead of him. Shame! I wanted him to win. "

"Oh look it's Davy Jones and surprise surprise he brought Tia Dalma. This on again, off again couple have had us wondering for centuries wether or not they're going to stay together." Mary says.

"You said it Mary! Tia Dalma is nominated for best female pirate in supporting role whilst Davy is nominated for both best villain.." Sue says as as she approaches Tia. "Tia Dalma! What are you wearing?"

"Why am I even here?! When I can be on me ship...collectin' souls." Davy naggs as he looks down at his feet which are strapped in two buckets of water. But Tia ignores him.

"Dis dress eez from a clothing line dat I started myself. It's called CF!"

"Erm...CF?"  
"Calypso's Furry."

"Well you heard it folks! CF is the new fashion line. Good luck to both of you! You're both looking mighty...fishy. Back to you!"

"Thanks Sue. Lots of commotion going on. Scarlet and Giselle have both arrived now and they are nominated for best supporting pirate too..along with Tia and Ana. Even though three of the nominees are not actually pirates but they're still worthy. But the person I really want to see is Captain Jack Sparrow!"

"Doesn't every girl?" Sue agrees.

"Indeed. Oh that sleezy Beckett and Mercer are here who are both nominated for best villains. I wonder when they're going to go public with being gay?! There's nothing wrong with it! We all know anyway and-" Mary stops as her beautiful eyes widen with shock.

Sue is surprised too. She gasps. "Is that...?!"

"I think it is! Wenches and mates...it's Captain Jack Sparrow." Mary announces.

Jack stumbles over as he talkes on a cell phone.

"Although he's currently chatting on his iPirate and... he doesn't have a date either! I guess the Pearl was too big to bring. Although the Pearl is nominated for best ship."

Jack is still talking on his cell. "I don't bloody care if bloody Nike is willing to play one thousand bloody doubloons for a contract! I will _not_ wear sneakers...but if there's a possibility... can we sign a contract with a rum company? Rum's _good_. A rum named after me is even better! Make it happen." he snaps his phone shut and walks down the black carpet with wobbly legs. Sue is of course there instantly.

"Ah Sue!" Jack forces a smile as he widens his arms, he obviousely has painful memories of the last time he met "MarySue". Mary appears there in a second as well. "And Mary." Jack forces another smile."How lovely to see you both."

"Hi Jack." Mary and Sue coo in a suggestive tone.

"Jack! Do you think you'll win tonight?!"

"Who cares luv?! I'm Captain Jack Sparrow."

Mary 'n Sue giggle.

"I know it's a wierd question to ask a guy but what are you wearing?"

Jack blinks in confussion. "Ummm...clothes luv!"

Mary 'n Sue laugh. "He's hot _and_ funny."

"It was better if I said..._who_ are you wearing?"

Jack looks down at the shrunken head of his mother hanging on his belt. "Me mum I guess?!" he answers in confussion as he marches off.

"Oh look! Captain Sparrow is walking over to Elizabeth. Wonder what will happen."

"Ever since their little fling when Elizabeth kissed him and chained him to his own ship things haven't been the same between the two..."

Jack and Elizabeth greet eachother with warmth and kiss eachother on the cheek. Will and Jack do the whole 'hand shake and then pull eachother into a semi hug' thing.

"Well seems like they're ok now!"

"Though one might suspect it to be a publicity stunt."

All the 'stars' have walked the black carpet now and they are getting settled in the main hall.

"There you have it folks! Let's recap and go through our list of nominees." Mary says.

"Best ship: The Flying Dutchman(belongs to Captain Turner), The Empress(belongs to Captain Swann), The Endeavor(belongs to Lord Beckett) and The Black Pearl (there are debates wether this ship belongs to Captain Sparrow or Captain Barbossa)." Sue declares.

"Best female captain: Captain Swann, Mistress Ching, Mary Reed, Anne Bonny."

"Best male captain: Captain Hector Barbossa, Captain Jack Sparrow, Captain William Turner, Captain Sao Feng."

"Best coupling: Norribeth, Willabeth, Sparrabeth, Sparringabeth."

"Best supporting female pirate: Anamaria, Tia Dalma, Scarlet, Giselle."

"Best supporting male pirate: Tai Huang, Gibbs, Marty, Cotton."

"Best villain: Davy Jones, Beckett, Mercer, Barbossa."

"And many more categories."

"You'll see the report here first...live!"

"With Mary!"

"And Sue!"

"MarySue." they yell together.

* * *

**Ok!! Silly! I know...I just wrote it and my friend insisted I post it. So here we go. Thanks to those who read!! Fire is welcome...though I'm scared of it but if it's really needed you can send blazing fires my way. I can take it :D**


	2. The golden cutlass goes to

**A/N: Anyone remember this story? It was supposed to be a one-shot with a semi-cliffie ending but I got WAY more reviews than I hoped for...I was thinking 4 or maybe 5 is the usual for a one-shot and instead I got near 20. I've always thought I'm not good at humor/comedy type things but my dear readers asked me to write more and so I decided to do the show and after party as well!!**

**Voila my darlings! I hope you like it and please review.**

* * *

Only half an hour or so until the awards begin,while all the pirates are busy getting seated at their tables Mary and Sue are engaged in a battle of out MarySue-ing eachother. I'm positive such a word doesn't exist but try telling that to our dear freinds.

"I was endlessly beaten' up by my drunk father. And..._and..._" Mary pauses trying to think of something better. "I was raped by my cousin!"

"Oh yeah?! Well I'm Bleackbeard's daughter and my ship's way faster than the Black Pearl." Sue says with a sugary sweet smile that is starting to look forced.

"I have a singing voice that would make any pirate fall in love with me." Mary says with a batt of her lashes.

"My eye color changes with my mood!"

"I can beat both Jack and Will in a swordfight with both hands tied behind my back."

Sue's enchanting eyes lighten up as an idea enteres her brilliant mind. "I'm Jack's long lost sister." she says with a victorious smile.

Mary gaspes. "Why you little..."

Just a few feet away Captain Hook is sharpening his hook with a grim expression. He, Smee, Peter Pan and the lost boys just happen to be seated at the same table.

"Imagine! I'm the greatest pirate to ever sail the seas. And you lot are all interesting too-I guess-...and we're seated at the worst table. The loser's table! We've never been seated here... even when Long John Silver and Mobey Dick were popular I was still one of the best. Speaking of ol' Long John..." he whispers to Peter Pan. "He doesn't have a good table this year either. Poor bastard doesn't even have room to stretch his wooden leg. And look at that newbie Sparrow and his crew of freaks sitting up front like they're some kind of royalty. You mark my words Peter when this Caribbean frenzy is over we'll be on top again and no one will even remember their names." he continues. "I'm deeply upset that I wasn't nominated for best pirate this year."

"Yeah! Me too." Peter agrees distractedly as he lookes across the room.

Hook frowns. "But you aren't even a pirate. Peter! Are you even listening to me?"

Peter snaps out of his trance. "Oh yes! But I say...that lady across the room would make a fine mother! I think I shall give her a kiss."

Hook fallows his gaze to see that he's staring at Elizabeth. "But I thought you wanted Wendy to be your mother?" Hook asks with a confused frown.

Peter nods. "You're right! Where is she?"

Hook shakes his head. "She seems to be sitting with Jack Sparrow."

"_Captain _Jack Sparrow." Peter corrects him automatically but frowns as he spots Wendy in Jack's arms. "Oh Wendy mother! Wendy lady. I suppose that's why she wasn't there this year when I went to pick her up to do spring cleaning! I shall cut Sparrow's right hand off and feed it to the crochodile."

* * *

Sure enough seated at the best table the teenage Wendy is looking at Jack with fascination. "You're so brave!" she said with a gasp.

Jack is using his knife to clean under his nails. "Aye, so they say. Apparently I'm quite famous too. And there has been word that I'm good looking..." he says casually. "Did you know I was voited sexiest man alive a few years back?"

Wendy frowns thoughtfully. "Really? But I though that was Joh-"

"It was me I tell you! No one can resist my charms. No one!"

"But I heard...that Elizabeth lady got married to Captain Turner even though you tried to make her stay with you and she-"

Jack rolls his eyes and takes a swig of his rum. "This girl isn't amusing me Gibbs. She asks too many questions...escort her to another table."

Wendy looks shocked. Poor innocent creature. "I don't believe I said anything! Oh Captain Sparrow...won't you be showing me the mermaids? Peter showed them to me once-" she rambles on sweetly as she is dragged away by two of Jack's crew members.

Both Hook _and _Peter are glaring in Jack's direction now.

* * *

"Who does he think he is?" Hook whispers. "Did you see him when he was walking the black carpet? All those foolish girls screaming for his attention. Did you see them?" he says with a shake of his head. "Oh Captain Sparrow will you sign my rum bottle? Oh Captain Sparrow, I love you...can I have a kiss? Let us rub your back Captain Sparrow. Let us carry you baby Captain Sparrow. Let us be your slaves Captain Sparrow," he mimicks them in a shrill girly voice. "Pirates are supposed to be bloody scary. He's about as scary as a fluffy rabbit."

Peter doesn't look so distressed though. He's happy to see Wendy away from Jack and walking back towards their table.

"Wendy!" he waves her over.

"Oh Peter!"

Hook rolls his eyes. "Young people, they're so emotional. Age really makes you tough." he says.However when he hears the sound of a watch ticking he jumps out of his chair. "Smee! Don't let him get me Smee. Help me Smee!"

* * *

Mean while Jack has just caught hold of Anne Bonny and Mary Reed. Probably the only two women in the room he hasn't kissed yet.

"...so Calico Jack and the crew got drunk! And we couldn't fight the whole Navy by ourselves and they arrested all of us." Mary says.

"And I told Calico I said 'if you had fought like a man you wouldn't be dying like a dog!' It's all that useless drinking. " Anne adds.  
Jack puts on an expression of deep concern. "Oh yes! Drinkin' is poison to the soul I always say."

"You do?"

Jack's serious mask disappears."Of course not! Rum is the essence of life. It's the reason for living...the men drank? Good for them! At least they died with a smile on their face." Jack says in outrage. "Get out of my sight! That's all women do these days. They burn the rum and tell you not to drink."

Anne and Mary glare at him but walk off with their noses high in the air.

* * *

"Okay. Mary? Sue? Everyone is seated. We're back on air in one minute."

Both girls registered this but went on with the bickering.

"Moragn and Batholomew used my help to set the code."

"I sailed with Morgan once and he wet his pants when I unsheated my sword."

"I fought the Kraken with my bare hands and killed it!"

"And then what? You woke up from a dream?"

"Oh! Trying to be witty are you?"

"Ladies? We're back in ten..."

"I'm not trying to be anything. I _am_ witty. You're the one who always wants to top me. That's why you slept with James, you knew I had a crush on him"

"Five..."

"He chose me over you!"

"Did not!"

The man holds up three fingers, then two and then one. Both Mary and Sue smile at the camera instantly.

"Hi and welcome back to the 63rd annual Golden Cutlass awards." Mary says.

"We're your hosts for the evening. I'm Sue and this is my dear friend Mary...we're better known as MarySue in some places." Sue says with a sexy smile.

"And now it's time for the show!"

"Oh they're getting started!" Scarlet says from Jack's left.

"They're both going on the stage." Giselle says from Jack's right.

"I'm going to win so many awards...fancy that!" Jack says with a smirk.

Mary and Sue are on the stage now. "We're starting off the evening with a special honarary award to Mobey Dick who isn't able to attend tonight due to being busy chasing a giant white whale across the ocean. The award is to honor all his pointless waisted life as a pirate."

"Aye!" everyone in the room cried.

"Next! The nominees for the best wig award are..."

"Admiral James Norrington. Lord Cutler Beckett. Governer Swann and Lieutenant Gillette. And the Golden Cutlass goes to..."

"No surprise here! Admiral James Norrington."

Norrington walks to the stage to accept the golden sword. "Ah I'm honored! I just wanted to thank my-"

His voice is drowned as they play the Pirates soundtrack on the speakers loudly.

"That was a nice speech Admiral Norrington!" Sue says with a smirk.

"And now for a very exciting category! Best ship..."

"The nominees are: The Black Pearl, The Flying Dutchman, The Endeavor and The Empress."

"And the Golden Cutlass goes to...oh no! This won't do at all...not at all." Sue says with a shake of her head.

"She's just joking! The result is actually just what we all wanted...The Black Pearl."

Instantly both Jack and Barbossa jump to their feet and run to the stage. Each grab hold of one end of the gold sword and pull on it.

"My ship!"

"_My_ ship."

"I sold my soul to get that ship."

"But you lost it didn't you?"

Once again the music drowns out their bickering and shouting.

"Oh Captain Sparrow and Captain Barbossa. They're so amusing...always puting on a show for the camera but they really _are_ best friends."

"Off to best male pirate in a supporting role. Nominees: Tai Huang, Gibbs, Marty and Cotton."

"The Golden Cutlass goes to...Mr.Gibbs."

"That's another one for me really. He's _my_ first mate..." Jack whispers to Scarlet and Giselle as he fingers the golden cutlass he snatched away from Barbossa.

"I'd just like to say. Take what you can and give nothing back," Gibbs says and kisses Sue on the cheek before going back to his seat. Sue's taken aback but forces a smile as she rubs her cheek. "Quite a charmer that Gibbs!"

"Now for the best female pirate in a supporting role. Nominees are...Tia Dalma, Anamaria, Scarlet and Giselle."

"And the Cutlass goes to...Anamaria!"

Anamaria skips to the stage to collect her award while Jack pats the strumpets' backs supportively. "It's okay darlings. I'm here for you..." he says with an obviously fake look of concern. "Perhaps I can make it all better once we go back to the inn tonight?"

"Now a very very special award. I know we're all curios about best male captain!"

"The nominees are Captain Jack Sparrow, Captain Barbossa, Captain Feng and Captain Turner."

A hush falls over the room as everyone looks at the stage curiosly. Jack takes out his jar of dirt and hugs it tight...just for luck.

"The Golden Cutlass Award goes to..." Mary says as she opens the envelope. "Who else? Captain Jack Sparrow!"

Everyone cheers as Jack shrugs, looking like he was confident all along and swaggers to the stage.

"Well Jack? Say something." Sue says. This time there's no loud music to drown Jack's voice...everyone is quiet, waiting for what he has to say.

Jack looks at everyone with a grin. "Erm... 'ello?"

All the girls cheer like he's just cracked a secret code.

"Is there anyone you'd like to thank?"

Jack looks thoughtful. "I'd like to thank rum, my own wit, _my_ ship, my effects and also, I guess, Johnny Depp."

The crowd cheers again as he takes his seat.

"And now...best female captain! Nominees are Captain Swann, Mistress Ching, Mary Reed and Anne Bonny."

"And the winner is...Captain Swann!"

Elizabeth walks on stage to accept the cutlass. "I just wanted to say that-"

The music is turned on again as Mary and Sue push Elizabeth off the stage. It's only fact that MarySue never liked Elizabeth because let's face it, at the end of the day Elizabeth still kicks MarySue's beautifuly tanned J.Lo-like ass.

"And before we announce our last award of the night...our nominees for best villain are: Davy Jones, Beckett, Mercer and Barbossa."

"And Davy Jones nails this award!"

Davy struggles to get on stage with his feet in buckets of water.

"Do you fear death?" he snarls at the two girls.

"We can't really say that we do."

"And remember that we're usually the ones who kick your ass in most fanfictions."

Davy just laughs cruely. "I've heard the author of this one isn't fond of you two-ah! But I'll spare your worthless lives for now."

The music plays again and Davy finally struggles to his seat.

"Now the moment we've _all_ been waiting for...the best couple!"

"The nominees are: Willabeth, the charming William Turner and his wife Elizabeth. Norribeth, the dashing admiral and his former betrothed Elizabeth. There's Sparringabeth, a combination of the flamboyant Captain Sparrow, the noble Norrington and the lovely Elizabeth. And of course there's Sparrabeth, the handsome Captain Sparrow and his-what shall we call it?- _fling_ Elizabeth."

Jack sits back, confident that his ship'll win. Will smiles, confident that _his_ ship'll win. Norrington holds up his hands and prays to god Sparringabeth doesn't win and Elizabeth's turns the exact shade of pink as Jack's sash because she's suddenly aware that she's included in every ship.

Both Mary and Sue are rather grim about all this. They , after all, aren't a fan of any of these ships and much rather have Will, Jack and James to themselves.

"And the winner is...Sparrabeth!" Mary announces with about as much enthusiasm Jack has whenever the rum is gone.

Elizabeth's face is now a deep shade of red and Jack's grin is bigger than the seven seas combined. They walk on stage as the Sparrabeth fans scream bloody murder until they loose their voice...or faint from happiness. Whichever you think is less pathetic.

The both hold the award up.

"Well dearies! We are truly flattered, both of us...and we won't say we haven't considered jumping on my private ship and cruising to my personal island but there are certain whelps in the way."

"We've considered no such thing Captain Sparrow...only in your fantasies."

"Oh really? Then why, pray tell, are you always all over me? Hmmm? I think the public would like to know Lizzie."

"You're the one who's always lusting after me! I told you plainly that it would never have worked between us and you go to the tabloids and hand them all that crap about how I loved you and fell pray to your 'irresistable charm' but had a 'bad case of denial'. Well watch me while I resist you right now!"

Jack pats her shoulder. "Poor dear! She's still in denial," he says to the crowd. Then he leans in and whispers something to Elizabeth who flushes even more-if possible- and rushes off to her table.

"Oh come on luv!" Jack says in a whiny voice as he goes after her. "You know you want to..." he adds in a sing song voice.

"Well there you have it folks. That's why you love them I suppose...they can't seem to talk without something brewing up," says Sue with a bit of envy.

"And that's it for now mates and wenches! But perhaps we'll have a little peek at the after part as well...after all pirates are famous for the way they party."

* * *

**I'm fully aware that in a comedy you should do what the reader least expects or thinks least possible to acheive the whole ironic/funny effect. Perhaps that's why I'm not so good at humor...I couldn't help but pick Sparrabeth, Jack, Elizabeth and the Black Pearl even though I could write some funny situations if I'd picked Sparringabeth, Barbossa, Mistress Ching and The Endeavor...you get what I mean, funny things/dialouges could've happened if I'd made less obvious choices. I just couldn't do it...call me a fan girl.**

**I hope you stick around for the after party. Pirate style!**

**Your reviews are really gold to me and I welcome suggestions.**


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